Archive for the ‘Laura’ Category

Random Tuesday Thoughts

March 24, 2009


My  daughter is grounded, and it’s way worse on me then on her, I do believe.  Why do I feel so bad that she feels bad when I know she should feel bad for screwing up?  Anyway, grounded from TV, the phone and video games, she is pretty bored and is spending all her time baking.   And making marshmallow fondant, which I find inexplicably irresistible.   I may have to unground her just to save my waistline.

Is my asthma inhaler supposed to have similar affects to those good old fashioned whip-its! my friends (you know who you are!) and I used to purchase and huff?   Because it does.   But maybe I’m doing it wrong? 

Sunday I went hiking with my friends Lemur, Coyote and MarySue.  Coyote and MarySue were rock/fossil/Native American artifact-hunting while Lemur and I huffed and puffed our way up and down a couple of hills.  After rejoining the searchers we were chatting about blood pressure and Lemur said “I hate having my blood pressure taken, almost worse than anything.”

My response:  “Worse than anal sex?”

I am sure Lemur’s husband, the aforementioned Coyote, thinks I’m a big fat weirdo.

Plus, thinking about this later in the evening I got really paranoid.   What if Lemur and Coyote had recently had an anal sex escapade and enjoyed it?   And now Coyote is worried that Lemur lied about her level of satisfaction?   Or what if they had and then sworn each other to secrecy and now Coyote thinks she broke their vow of silence?   Or what if they haven’t and now he thinks she cheated on him?

Mind you, this was right after I had told them all this story. 

On our hike we also discussed my irrational fear of serial killers/rapists in the woods.  I don’t worry about getting mugged/raped/killed on dark city streets, but there’s something about being surrounded by nature that makes me fretful.  MarySue and Lemur conceded that it freaked them out, too, making me feel slightly less like an anxiety-ridden crackpot.  Shortly later we overtook and attempted to pass a lone woman walking on the trail.  MarySue was in the lead, said “excuse me” and went to pass, accidentally bumping into the woman, who fell over.  She was wearing headphones!  Is that not crazy?  I really wanted to tell her, “You know, with headphones on you really have no chance of escaping the hiking serial killer rapist.”         

In this whole “going back to school” process I’ve found out that there are some weird scholarship opportunities out there.   One requires that you write an essay in the form of a letter to your state representative expounding upon the merits of Zero Population Growth.   Another requires a 7,500 word paper on the history of cartography.     (The ZPG one I’m applying for, the cartography one, I think not, that’s a longass paper!)   I’m also applying for a scholarship through the Chicago Urban League.   Interestingly that one requires a photo ID but doesn’t require that I live in either Chicago or an urban area.     Another requires proof of anal copulation.   (Okay, not really.)

If you have a chance, please drop by and visit Keely of  “The Un Mom.”  While you’re there, please beg her not to kick me out of Random Tuesday Thoughts for my depravity.


“Taco Meatball Ring” was the first recipe

February 27, 2008

Last night I went to the “Taste of Home” cooking show with my friends Katrina and NHBC. We had a good time. In an eye rolling, OMG, kind of way.

The show was….how should I put it?


For example, the host explained the difference between a clove of garlic and a head of garlic.

And it was very, very commercial.

Especially for something that wasn’t free. Tickets were reasonable, ten dollars, and I can understand having sponsers. But the show went beyond that into overt product placement and cringe worthy audience participation.

One sponser was McCormick Spices. All Taste of Home recipes specify “_ tsp McCormick ________.” That doesn’t bother me. I just subsititute my cheap ass Aldi’s or Dollar Tree basil, cumin, etc…

But during the show, one unfortunate lucky volunteer was asked to lead a cheer.

Give me an S!


Give me a P!


Give me an I!


Give me a C!


(Now if they had stopped there it would have put a totally different spin on the evening.)

Give me an E!


What’s that spell?


What’s your favorite spice?

Not oregano or tumeric, we were directed to respond:



Viva! papertowels was another sponser and everytime the hostess tore a paper towel off the tube we were instructed to yell “Viva!”

Yes, really.

Katrina, NHBC and I kept our mouths-a-shut and our eyes a-rollin’ but, amazingly, the rest of the audience seemed to enthusiastically participate. Maybe they were afraid of an uncomfortable, deathly silence, similar to when a disliked teacher asks a rudimentary question that only a huge kiss-up would answer. (And, yes, I often was that huge kiss up.)

None of us won a door prize either, darn. I really wanted to win the stainless steel fridge, but some lucky lady from Dunlap won it. As I told Katrina, “I have sour grapes. I’m sure her kitchen is WAY nicer than mine.”

Nevertheless, it was great to see Katrina and NHBC. It was fun, just maybe not in the way “Taste of Home” meant it to be.

Oh, and here’s a link to the taco meatball ring recipe.
(The host started making it and we were like, OKAY? There’s just something wrong with the phrase “Taco Meatball Ring;” I just can’t put it into words. However, once it was prepared, NHBC said “Wow, it’s starting to look good, maybe I WILL make that!” Hmmmm…. her contribution to the next book club meeting?)

Note to Katrina: I still haven’t found the damn rolling pin!


January 29, 2008

My dear friend NHBC and I went to see “There Will be Blood” last weekend.

A serious movie but we both burst out laughing at the same parts. Parts no one else was laughing at.

In one scene, a middle aged, beaten down, achingly lonely man says, quietly, to the main character:

I’m your brother.

The main character, played by Daniel Day Lewis, stares at him intently and makes to no comment. After a pause, the first man says:

“From a another mother.”

For some reason
“I’m your brother.
From a another mother.”
was just hysterical to NHBC and me (but no one else.)

Another part of the movie focused on a young, emphatic and energetic preacher named Eli. (Played by Paul Dano, the older, color-blind brother from “Little Miss Sunshine.”) Eli would give sermons and attempt to heal his parishioners. In attempting to heal one elderly woman he refers to the ghost that is causing her pain. He vehemently proclaims to the “ghost:”

“As long as I have teeth, I will bite you!
As long as I have gums, I will gum you!”

Again, NHBC and I were totally cracking up, while our fellow movie goers were silent.

It makes me wonder if we are really warped or if everyone else was humor challanged. (I mean, REALLY, who would not find “I will gum you!” hysterical?)

September 17, 2007

Friday night I met friends (Katrina, MarySue, and Laura) at Eamon Patricks. After MarySue and Katrina commiserated with Laura on the loss of her dear Grandma I told the following story:

“Today I bought a soda at Phils (local grocery store) and it was flat. I took it back to the store to exchange it. I handed it to the cashier and she’s like ‘Oh, it smells flat.’ And I’m like WTF? So, I go get a new soda and tell the cashier, ‘Denise, can I open this here and taste it? Because it might be flat, too?’ (My friends’ eyes are glazing over about now) She’s all, like, ‘Okay.’ So I taste it and it’s flat, too! I tell Denise, hand it back to her and she opens it and TAKES A BIG DRINK of the soda. And I’m all like, OMG, she just drank a drink of soda after a customer. Isn’t that just so weird?”

My friends are all, like, “Yah, Jennifer, that’s odd.”

“Oh, and what made me think of that, my soup is good, and I thought, ‘Oh, Laura might like this soup, but I’ve only got, like, the one spoon, and if I offer her a bite, I’d have to offer her my spoon.’ And, ewwww… that’s kinda gross.”

Thinking about this exchange, I realize, One, I’m an asshole. I mean, really, Laura’s grandma died, people are offering condolences, and my contribution to the conversation is asinine. (Yes, I just totally looked up asinine, because really shouldn’t it be ASSinine? That would make more sense) Two, I still talk like a 7th grader, with a stream of consciousness, rambling style that includes way too many “likes.” Three, God, I’m BORING!

Saturday, my sister Kelly and her kids came over to celebrate my dad’s 63rd birthday. Following dinner, Reagan put the candles on the cake, writing the numbers 6 and 3 with candles, only she wrote the 3 backwards. She didn’t even realize it when we pointed it out and drew one in the air, also backwards. Is it possible to not show signs of dyslexia until the age of 12?

Kelly brought me a bag of Circus Peanuts , a gag gift, based on the fact that I once had a slip of the tongue in saying “I love to eat Circus Peanuts.” (Say circus peanuts 3 times fast and you’ll get it.)

Sunday, some of the moms’ of 8th graders threw a cook out to foster unity amongst my son’s 8th grade class. It’s a small school and the moms felt that the kids were being too clique-ish.

My son wouldn’t go because “No one cool is going.”

So we stayed home and had pressed Cuban Sandwiches and Roasted Onion Gorgonzola soup for dinner. Yum.

Indianapolis Trip

August 14, 2007

My friend Laura is running (okay, possibly, depending on the health and welfare of her feet) a marathon in October in Indianapolis. I promised I would attend to cheer her on. Of course, if she can’t run, we’ll still go and I’ll help her drown her misery in alcohol and barbituates. Okay, I’m kidding about the barbituates. Indianapolis, here we come….

In preparation of our little trip I’m doing some tourist related research into “what’s goin’ on” in the Greater Indianapolis area… some ideas:

1. “The German Expressionist Era” at the Indianapolis Museum of Art:
“Approximately 50 early 20th century woodcuts, lithographs, etchings and drawings from IMA’s permanent collection are highlighted in this exhibition.”
Nothing says “Woo Hooo!!! Superfreaky Fun!!!” like early 20th century woodcuts and lithographs.

2. And while we are there we can view “The Hats of Africa.” Hopefully we can try one on; I can imagine some wonderful photo opportunities will abound.

3. “Let’s Get it On” No, one weekend with the lovely Laura isn’t going to cause me to switch teams; it’s a show featuring the music of Motown.

4. “Autumn Celebration, featuring bonzai” will help round out our multicultural weekend. Do the leaves change on those little trees? (Hey if it wasn’t in Karate Kid, I don’t know.)

5. “Lenape Camp Highlight: Tomahawk Throwing Contest” Yes, I’m known for my good aim, due to my stellar vision, and would rock at this contest. Plus it allows you to “step into the world of fur traders.” (but didn’t I already address that in #3?

6. “The Vienna Choir Boys.” Because we love to hear little boys sing. Especially when they wear silly hats.

7. “Indianapolis Symphony Northwest Airlines Pops Series: Broadway Star Linda Eder” Airlines are known for their primo entertainment, aren’t they?

These are just a few of the fabulous events we might be partaking in during our little trip. Of course, if anyone has any other suggestions for restaurants, sights to see, etc, in the Indianapolis area, they would be greatly welcome.

August 13, 2007

Friday night we went to Red Zin, unfortunately, Carl Bopp, piano player extraordinaire was not in residence.

At Martini’s I asked the “band” (two guys named Kevin and Dean?) to play “Short People” in lieu of “Happy Birthday” to my dear friend Laura. Now when anyone asks I can say we are both “in our thirties.”

Saturday we bought a new dining room table and chairs. YES! No more the “outdoors is indoors” look, defined by replacing our old, broken dining room chairs with lawn chairs. I feel like a “real” grown up. I mean, we actually bought furniture. New furniture, from an actual store.

Sunday life decided to bite us in the ass with the advent of a now leaking water heater. Why does this always happen? Any major purchase must be accompanied by an unexpected expense…

Oh, and my aforementioned friend, Laura, is wanting to start a book club. So far we have 7-8 members and hope to get around 10. The current members are all women (mainly 30-somethings) from the Peoria area. The books will mainly be modern fiction novels, with a few possible non-fiction books and we will meet once a month. If anyone would like to join please send me an email at: jenjw4 at

Laughing in the face of a one armed man.

May 9, 2007

This is the story I really wanted to tell at my friend Laura’s wedding last summer as a part of my matron-of-honor duties: (but she wouldn’t let me)

Running errands one day with Laura, we saw a very large woman wearing very shiny red spandex pants; next we got a flu shot at a pharmacy decorated with what appeared to be bongs. Laughing over the small oddities we ran into a video store, picked out our movies and heading towards the counter, passed a one armed man. Laura started laughing, hysterically… in the face of the one armed man. Embarrassed, abandoning the movies, I drug her out of the store. Outside, still laughing, she said “did you see that guy’s package? It’s like he had a sock stuffed in there!!”