Asthma, COPD and Pulmonary Fibrosis, Oh, My!

Recently I failed a spirometery test; the nurse conducting the test, I’ll call her “Ratched”  made me do the test SIX times.   Each time she said “You can do better than that!”  quite vehemently as if  I were a recaltricant toddler.  

Honestly, after the fifth time I did consider lying down on the floor and kicking my legs, resisting any police intervention with the famed toddler limp body technique.

However, being the obedient, still-intimidated-by-authority-figures-despite-being-a-grown-woman,  person that I am, well, I just blew in the damn mouthpiece again. 

AND failed again.  At which point Ratched “tsked, tsked” me, and handed me pamphlet that advised me not to smoke  (I don’t, and never have, other than once, at 17, when I wanted to punish my anti-smoking ex-boyfriend by lighting up.)

(Yes, that is crazy.) 

and to avoid asbestos and radon gas.

Great, two more things for me to worry about.  Is my office infested with asbestos?    Is my basement slowly poisoning me?  And my children? 

At my super fun doctor appointment last week I left with diptheria, pertussis and tetanus coursing through my veins, a freshly examined vagina and a prescription for an inhaler.

No, Rotund Reader, I haven’t begun exhibiting any signs of autism. (Not yet, that is!)

Tomorrow, I get to go to my doctor’s office for a repeat spirometer performance.   I get to do the test, then use the inhaler, then do the test again, to see if I show improvement.   If so, the likely culprit of my breathing issues is asthma.   If not asthma, it could just be severe wimpy-itis, COPD, or pulmonary fibrosis.

Nevertheless, whatever the outcome, I’m just glad that this time he’s leaving my coochie alone.


8 Responses to “Asthma, COPD and Pulmonary Fibrosis, Oh, My!”

  1. kayj Says:

    You should be proud you went to the doctor, most people including myself don’t go unless there is something wrong.

  2. Katie Says:

    I hope you find it’s nothing more than a little asthma that can be controlled by an inhaler. I would hate to see what the treatment would be for wimpy-itis! 🙂

  3. Eyebrows McGee Says:

    I’m awful at that test too. But it was good to find out that it was a total lack of air giving me all my issues back when I was in NC and could never breathe! 😀

    I seriously have a home spirometery meter if you want to practice! 😉

  4. Shari Says:

    Good luck on your next round! You’re brave to go, let alone write so humorously about it! All the best!

  5. jenjw4 Says:

    Thanks for all your support! I failed my spirometry tests AGAIN. Both the pre-test and the after the albuterol inhaler post-test. The doctor thinks I either have asthma, or I’m recovering from a viral lung infection. So I’m trying a steriod and a new, every day, inhaler.

    Personally, I think I just FAIL at breathing.

    Eyebrows, it makes me feel better that I have a compatriot. Someone else who is an anemic breathing test fail-er.

  6. HollowSquirrel Says:

    You need a tshirt that says “LEAVE MY COOCHIE ALONE.”

    I’ve failed that damn test before owing to some evil cats. Cats. They always try to kill me.

    GOOD LUCK with the ‘roids.

  7. Knight in Dragonland Says:

    You have to sustain an exhale for at least six seconds for accurate spirometry testing. That’s not easy to do, even if you’re in good health.

  8. PeoriaPeepers Says:

    “…being the obedient, still-intimidated-by-authority-figures-despite-being-a-grown-woman, person that I am…”
    LOL, you and me both. It drives my husband crazy, I think.

    Hope it’s just the lingering effects of an infection.

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