Thanksgiving 101

T-day minus one:
Don’t try to find turkey parts to make “make-ahead” gravy the day before Thanksgiving. THERE ARE NONE.

If you decide to use chicken parts instead, please read the full recipe. Otherwise you might realize, at 9 pm, that your chicken must be basted with butter every 20 minutes for two hours, then simmer on the stove top for another six hours, necessitating someone (your spouse, preferably) getting up at 5:00 am to move the chicken stock to the fridge.

Planning to smoke pot on Thanksgiving at your relative’s house? Please bring your own foil, rather than hovering in the kitchen and trying to surreptitiously acquire some.

Note: If your homebase is lacking foil, it also might be best not to drink homemade wine in the car on the way to said relative’s house, as it makes one considerably less stealthy during foil requisition activities.

Or, you might consider asking “May I have a piece of foil?” as that would actually be MORE discreet than sidling over to the foil and noticeably startling when glanced at, retreating, approaching again, (x4), tucking the foil into your shirt front and scurrying out the back door. (Yes, mothers AND sisters-in-law DO have eyes on the back of their head, and, yes, will know what you were doing and will totally toy with you.)

When confronted about the illicit nature of the foil theft, saying “M. told me to!” like a four-year-old tattling is not the best idea, either.

Furthermore, if a relative is mad at you, for example, for stealing $22 from your nephew, and you decide to apologize, it’s good to stop at “I’m sorry,” rather then adding “that you are mad at me and I am mad at you.”

It’s also not necessary to add “And I didn’t do anything wrong.”

And, if the pot gives you munchies, then please DO NOT eat ALL the shrimp.

T-day +1
Do not go shopping. Unless you are bored. And feeling stir-crazy. Then you should brave the mall, as it will make you wish you were at home.

If you need to burn off a few postprandial calories, then believe the tree guy’s proclamation that “White Pines are easy to cut down.”

T-day +2
Realize, walking, that “one more mile” out is actually two more miles total and a seven miles is a heck of a long walk! Of course, on the walk, you may just spot one of these:

Carry it around the streets of your small town, hooked on a stick, a’la hobo napsack, in order to get it home to show to your children. Who will refuse to leave the warmth of the house and the intellectual stimulation of their video games to come and look at it.

Google it and find out that it’s a “giant puffball mushroom” and that it’s actually edible AND contains TRILLIONS of spores. Wash your hands repeatedly.

T-day +3
If you have a thirteen year old pms-y girl and she’s acting like a thirteen year old pms-y girl do not make any jokes about her dog getting kidnapped and returned to her in pieces. She won’t think that it’s funny and may go to cry in her room.

T-day +4
Return to work, refreshed from your long weekend.


2 Responses to “Thanksgiving 101”

  1. Maria Says:

    The kidnapped dog part is priceless.

  2. keep passing the open windows » Blog Archive » Maybe a librarian? Says:

    […] game systems that they love and we had the family over for Christmas. That went well, better than Thanksgiving, as there was no illicit aluminum foil […]

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