Archive for November, 2008

Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip…

November 24, 2008

My kids’ school has a disproportionately large number of pregnant teenagers and a proportionately small amount of sex ed. They get a little reproductive knowledge in science, a dash of “your changing body” from a trip to the Hult Health education center and smidgen of “sex, don’t do it” in an 8th grade health class taught by the school counselor, Ms. J.

In the last such class Ms. J. posed this moral dilemma:

“A boy and a girl are stranded together on an island. The island splits apart, leaving the girl on one side and the boy on the other, seperated by water.

A boat pulls up to the girl’s island and the captain offers her a ride to the other side if she will give him a ride on the wild side. (Okay, okay, her teacher said “in exchange for sexual intercourse.”)

The girl agrees, does the deed, and is reunited with the boyfriend. She tells him about the ‘booty bounty;’ the boy is upset, calls her a ‘slut’ and breaks up with her.”


Of course, the kids had questions.
“How did the island seperate?”
(super-fast continental drift!)

“Why didn’t they build a raft?”
(Duh, they were too busy penning love letters in seaweed on the sea shore to one another.)

“Is the girl/boy cute?”

“Why didn’t they call for help with their cell phones.”
(They were out of minutes and didn’t want to get grounded.)

Reagan’s question, “Why didn’t she ask the captain to give her and the boyfriend a ride to civilization?”
(Well, apparently the girl is a dumbass)

The teacher’s question to the class:
“Who do you think is the villian in this story?

Global warming?

The consensus of the students was the captain of the ship was the evildoer, as he should have “just given her a ride, without making any demands.”

The teacher told them they were wrong, the “villian” is the boyfriend, for judging the girl.

Okay, I get it, judging is bad, but isn’t soliciting a sex act also wrong?

And what kind of story encourages exchanging underage sex for a boat trip and doesn’t extoll the dangers of hitchhiking?

And I’m still pondering, what EXACTLY is the moral of that story?

I’m bringing sexy back

November 19, 2008

I have a cold.
This morning I woke up with crusty eyes and a boogery nose.
My stomach is sour from the drainage. My throat hurts and head aches.

Yet, instead of lying at home in sweats watching TLC and E!, I am at work wearing a black padded push-up bra. And a thong. Tight jeans and a low-cut blouse.

I’m a fluesy-floosy.

The outfit distracts from my Rudolph-red-nose but is really due to the fact that being sick and very busy, I’m WAY behind on doing laundry.

(Family? I should let you in on this little secret. I don’t actually hike down to ye ole’ river and beat our breeches and petticoats clean on stones. There are these two wonderful contraptions in the pantry that wash AND dry the clothes for me! Maybe you’all could give it a try?)

As the discomfort increases and my patience wanes I will likely be reduced to “pulling a PH” and will be walking around praying no undergarments fall out of my purse.

(Of course, if I combine my cold medicine with a little booze I probably wouldn’t care about the “exposure” and might even get to enjoy a “plethora.”)

Today’s daily I.M. exchange with my BFF Secret Server:

November 18, 2008

SS: Hi, I’m back
SS: How’s your day going?
J: Oh, okay, still rueing this stupid cold.
J: How is your hair?
SS: Short.
J: Short?
SS: My hair is short.
J: How short?
J: Short for you?
SS: Not super short.
J: Or short for a regular person?
SS: But shorter than yours or L’s.
SS: Shoulder length.
J: Wow, do you like it?
J: I bet it looks cute.
SS: IDK yet.
J: Does it feel all light and bouncy?
J: I can’t wait to see it.
SS: So, what is new?
J: My Dr.’s office called and my bloodwork was okay.
J: My cholesterol was 143.
J: Anything under 200 for the composite is good,
J: but my iron levels were low.
J: So I have to take iron pills.
S: Ahhhh…
J: Which I guess I shouldn’t tell L. as I told her I don’t believe in vitamins!
J: I mean in taking vitamins, because I eat a well-balanced diet and many studies show that vitamins aren’t necessary.
J: So… well, my well balanced diet isn’t well balanced when it comes to iron, LOL
J: Okay, stupid question, do nuts have iron?
J: Since they have protein?
J: I guess I could look on a package of walnuts.
SS: I think nuts have some.

J: This day has been so slow!
J: While I don’t feel 100% I am looking forward to our class tonight
SS: maybe you should write a blog post
J: yah, I can’t think of anything to write about

Later still…..
SS: Have you read any good posts that I should read?
SS: Anything about -redacted-?
J: Nope
J: I just read your blog post.
J: But can’t think of an intelligent comment.
J: I am sure -redacted- will jump all over the “extra working at the strip club” thing
SS: Yes, maybe he will come see me there.
J: Maybe he has seen you!
SS: True.
J: And you just didn’t recognize him!
SS: Maybe he silently stalks me…
J: You could be being stalked without knowing it.

Even later…..
SS: Ugh, it is Med Part D open enrollment time again,
SS: with all the confusion.
SS: Gram is keeping same insurance
SS: but we just got a letter explaining that she can also apply for —–, which will help pay for drugs.
SS: And might help pay her insurance premiuims.
SS: IF, she goes to the social secuity website and applies for extra help
SS: if she gets extra help
SS: and applies for —–.
SS: Then we can apply for help paying insurance
SS: It is so confusing.
J: Yes, it sounds like it.
J: It’s probably like buying a purse, until you use it (the insurance/purse) in real life, you can’t really tell how good it is
J: by which time, well, you’ve already spent the money/made the decision.
J: But, you know, much more confusing than buying a purse, of course
J: and slightly more important, you know, since it involves one’s life/health and not just a conveyance for kleenexes and coupons
SS: I just don’t understand why you have to apply for “extra help” through ss, which doesn’t actually give you extra help, it just qualifies you to apply for help through —–.
SS: Why can’t you just apply with them in the first place?
J: Yes, that is stupid!
J: Maybe I should blog about this?’
SS: About what?
SS: Medicare Part D?
J: Yep, and what a good friend I am giving you such advice? I mean, not advice,
J: but compassionate shopping analogies.
SS: Yes, you could
J: Or would it be a metaphor?
SS: Not sure.
J: I can never tell the difference.
SS: Me either.
J: It’s kind of like that whole Alanis Morrisette, “Isn’t It Ironic Thing”
J: Somewhere I read that none of those examples are really irony.
J: It’s like being in a traffic jam, when you’re already late.
SS: A “no smoking” sign on your cigarette break.
SS: 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
SS: Meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife.
J: Oh, yes, I like that part!
SS: Me, too.
J: It’s like rain on your wedding day.
SS: The whole song reminds me of Howard Jones,
“No One is to Blame”
J: A free ride, when you’re already late.
J: Hmm.. can’t say I know it…
SS: Are you singing? Loudly?
J: Loudly, (in my head)
SS: You can look at the menu but you just can’t eat
You can feel the cushions but you can’t have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can’t have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can’t commit the sin
SS: You can build a mansion but you just can’t live in it
You’re the fastest runner but you’re not allowed to win
Some break the rules
And live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won’t get lost
SS: You can see the summit but you can’t reach it
It’s the last piece of the puzzle but you just can’t make it fit
Doctor says you’re cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
SS: Probably 10 years earlier than the Alanis song
SS: 1985
SS: I just looked it up.
J: Hmm… I’ll have to find it on Youtube.
SS: Oh, I was a good guesser!
SS: “Ironic..” was 1995
SS: I should do something useful.
(Um, yah, maybe me, too!)

Happiness is as dorkiness does.

November 12, 2008

I’m thinking this award is really a kiss-ass way to get bloggers to do a meme!

So, to keep the whole chain-letter aspect of the award/meme going, here are the rules:
(1) List six things that make you happy
(2) Pass the award on to 6 more kreativ bloggers
(3) Link back to the person who gave you the award
(4) Link to the people you are passing it on to and leave them a comment to let them know.
(5) Request scantily clad photos of your blogger friends of the opposite sex.

What makes me happy:

1. I know I should say “family” here but, hey, I must be honest; I’m going with Marshmallow Peeps. Mmmmmm…. and this year there were pumpkin shaped sugar-free ones! (Okay, they did have a curious warning “Overconsumption can cause diarrhea and/or an upset stomach;” but that made them EVEN better, because I wasn’t tempted to overeat them!)

2. Holiday nougat. Just joking! My family. As much as they can bug the shit out of me: LEAVING my digital thermometer outside in the rain on the grill cart! “Cleaning” defined as “move all the crap to another room and shut the door.” A SERIOUS crackberry addiction. ETC… they still are wonderful and I’d be lost without them.

3. My friends. I’ve been living that Girl Scout song: “Make new friends but keep the ollllld, one is silver and the other gold!” I’ll let you’all figure out the relative worth of precious metals and where you fall into that range.

4. Books. My way to relax, my solitary comfort. Nothing is better than holding a much anticipated new book in ones hands. Okay, maybe a much anticipated newborn baby is better, but it’s close.

5. Food. Not in a Pilgrim-y “I’m thankful not to starve in this harsh land” sorta way, but in an “MMMMMMMMMM… I love to eat and love to cook” kind of way.

6. Living in the U.S., specifically in our little town. Seriously, as much as I bitch about politics, it’s great to live where the water is safe to drink, we have plentiful food, violence is minimal and the post office, grocery store, library and my office are all within four blocks.

Now, please, male bloggers send me your pics. Grandpa-threadbare-tight-y-white-y’s and all, I promise, hee-hee, that I won’t post them!

Tag, you’re it!
Askewed News
City Without a Subway
Girl Bleeder
I Do Not Know Me
My Flock Rocks

Sorry if any of you are repeats, and, of course, feel free to ignore the whole thing if you don’t want to do it. I won’t be offended!

November 10, 2008

Driving Tay to school this morning I asked him what kind of cake he would like for his birthday.

Ever terse in the morning, he said:

Okay, weirdo boy, is there another dessert you would like for your birthday?


Tooth Fairy Tales

November 7, 2008

I suck at being the tooth fairy.

Several times I totally forgot to commit the monetary/tooth switcheroo; imagine having to explain to your six year old that the tooth fairy had a rough night full of hookers and meth and just couldn’t manage the fly-by. “But he’ll get back to you!”

The older my daughter got, the less that flew.

One early morning, in a panic over forgetting, (yet again!) and realizing that I had no cash on hand, I crafted a note to Reagan saying:

“Dear Reagan,
Thank you so much for your tooth. I’m a little short on cash right now, damn strippers took all my singles, but I’m applying for a payday loan and will get back to you tomorrow.”
The Tooth Fairy”

Writing the note was a serious operation, planned out like someone trying to commit “the perfect murder.” I used untraceable copy paper, disguised my handwriting, shredded the first drafts.*

Reagan opened it and said:

“This is from YOU!
If it were from the tooth fairy it would be GLITTERY!

Busted by a seven year old!

Another time, hurrying in the morning, I stuck two $1 bills under her pillow and left for class. Later my husband called and said “Why did you do that?”


“Give Reagan $11 for her tooth?”

Shit. That was my lunch money!

I debated leaving a note under her pillow that night saying:

“Dear Reagan,
I hope you enjoyed the extra money I left for you last night. I hit it big in Vegas and decided to give you a cut. The feds are after me, though, so please forgive me if future payments are late; I’m on the run from ‘the man.’
The Tooth Fairy”

But, I didn’t have any glitter.

*Yes, my mania runs deep and includes buying “special Santa wrapping paper” (ALL the “Santa presents” are wrapped in paper that has Santa ON it so as to seperate them from the “mommy and daddy presents”), using flour to leave Santa prints on the living room carpet, and using a different colored ink on the (totally different) gift tags. (Santa gets red ink, obviously, and parents use green!)

Thanks “Notes from the Trailerhood,” your post today helped me think of something to blog about!

Maybe she was naked, too?

November 5, 2008

I’m beginning to think my blog should just be entitled “Ways I embarrass myself and/or my children.”

Yesterday morning, stepping out of the shower, I heard the phone ring. It was 7:30 am and my husband had just left for work. Thinking he must have forgotten to tell me something, I headed toward the kitchen.

Reagan had answered the phone and called out, “Hey, mom, it’s for you!”

I responded, yelling “Okay, I’m naked, but…” and, turning a corner, ran smack into Reagan, who was holding the phone. She immediately started cracking up, because, unfortunately it wasn’t my husband, but one of the Apostolic Christian PTO members, calling to ask me to volunteer for something.

Yay! It’s election day!

November 4, 2008

I am REALLY glad election day is here. Like most everyone, I’m sick of the ads, but more importantly, my husband has been doing some serious brainwashing of our kids.

Filling them full of FOX News mumbo-jumbo. Barack is a secret Muslim. He’s a Socialist. He’ll raise our taxes. We’ll get bombed. He’ll open the borders and we’ll be overrun. ETC, ETC, ETC.

It’s been driving me batshit crazy.

For one, I would like to think that my husband would be smarter than that. That he wouldn’t stoop to mindless rhetoric and propaganda.

Two, how does he think the presidency works, if he thinks Obama can make huge strides in changing the fabric of the nation in a mere four (to eight?) years?

Has he not heard of checks and balances? Congress? The judiciary?

Furthermore, isn’t a focus on ideological differences enough? Why the name calling and blatant lies?
It really is sickening.

Overall, I try to elevate the debate by sticking to issues, such as health care reform. (Okay, Pallin has made that a bit more difficult!)

For example, McCain’s plan to tax health care benefits is awful.
I haven’t heard many Republicans defend it and it seems like McCain rarely mentions it. (Um, because it’s awful?)

The selection of running mates is another issue. McCain’s selection shows a clear lack of judgment. He put his candidacy above the future welfare of the country. A friend justifies that choice, believing that the Republican Party may have made him choose Palin.

That makes me really ponder, would that be bettter, or worse? The upper echelons of the Republican Party all exhibiting poor decision making and being in command of McCain? Or McCain being the bridezilla who is all about the wedding (campaign) and forgetting about the importance of the marriage (presidential term)?

After hearing my husband using extreme anti-Obama hyperbole yesterday I asked him to make me a list of all the things he has been telling the kids will happen if Barack becomes president. I figure the list will be handy over the next few years in refuting the detritus they have been spoonfed by their father.

Here it is, in his own words:
top 10 things to look for under an BO administration…
1.Skyrocketing energy prices, predicted it himself
2. skyrocketing health care costs.
3. skyrocketing business flight from the US
4. Skyrocketing unemployment/lay-offs
5. Skyrocketing illegal immigration
6. Defense budget cuts, plummeting enlistment and weakened national security
7. limits on free speech/conservative talk radio; fairness doctrine
8. resurgence of terrorist activity both domestestic (sic) and abroad
9. destruction of the nation of isreal (sic)
10. nuclear weapon use

My response to him:
Hmm… most of that list should be under the heading “What happened during Bush’s presidency.”

Screwing up the hugers one day at a time…

November 4, 2008

Saturday night Reagan, L. and I were discussing ligers, Napoleon Dynamite’s favorite animal.

The topic arose because there was a news story about a man who was killed in a savage liger attack.

After convincing L. and Reagan that ligers are a hybrid cross between a tiger and a lion, L. asked Reagan, “If you made sweet, sweet love with a liger, what would you get?”

“A Huger!”

We laughed until tears were streaming.

But maybe you had to be there?

Then, last night Reagan gave me a chocolate covered gummy bear, called a “muddy bear.” I told her, “we could make these at home, but using dark chocolate and we could call them ‘shitty bears.'”

Yes, I do crack myself up. And, yes, we did commence to have a whole “And shitty worms. And shitty swedish fish” conversation.

To further my poor parenting I ordered my son this t-shirt for his upcoming 15th birthday.

It totally fits his sense of humor, however, nothing says “I love you” like insinuating that your kid will grow up to be the fry guy at McDonalds.