Yesterday Taylor won a stereo from the library’s summer reading program. In the five weeks of the program he had read 38 books. He should be thanking me for the technological grounding he’s had this summer, without which, he would doubtless have played many games of HALO and read few books.

On our way home we heard a shout of “Christopher!” which we ignored. Again: “Christopher!” It was our neighbor, “X,” and I realized she was talking to Taylor.

Silly me, I forgot that that’s his actual name.

I have a bit of a jaded past with “X.”

To make a short story long, last year a woman, “C,” came into our office and asked us to sign her petition to be on the ballot to run for our small town’s village board.

My boss and I signed it.

A few weeks later a long standing member of the village board, my neighbor “X,” came by to ask about our signatures. She was contesting the signed petitions of “C.”

My signature looks like a big scribble; her contention was that I only signed the last half of my hyphenated last name. I told her that was my correct signature and she handed me a piece of paper and asked me to sign it so that she could see.

Disapprovingly, she also informed that: “You are one of only eight people in the village with a hyphenated name.”

She also admonished my boss “You don’t live within the village limits, you shouldn’t have signed this!” M. said, “Well, we have village water.” “X:” “The village LET you have city water, despite being OUTSIDE the limits.”

Oh, boy.

And one time she complained to the village about the “weeds” behind our garage. Um, those “weeds” came in a packet entitled “wild flowers.”

Back to yesterday, she was calling Taylor/Christopher’s name to inform him that she won him in the football players auction at the fair and is now entitled to eight hours of his labor.

Oh, shit.

And she needs him to come and weed her garden before an open house she is hosting for “our next Congressional Representative.”

Aaron Schock.


10 Responses to “”

  1. Billy Dennis Says:

    Advice: Buy salt.

    Have him spell out the words “Vote for Callahan” in salt on her lawn.


  2. Jennifer Says:

    Gosh, but her lawn is so lovely.

    My neighbor knows I’m a Dem, long story, and she’s uber conservative so I’m wondering if this is kind of a “so, ha!” gestures towards me. But maybe that sounds paranoid… (and narcissitic?)

  3. mortonmalaise Says:

    Round-Up works even better. It’ll kill the grass for the whole year.

  4. Mistress of the Post Says:

    Hyphenates are known for their underhanded wiley Democratic ways. I’m glad she’s on to you.

  5. Jennifer Says:

    Okay, this isn’t related to the blog post, but I just glanced up at my previous comment and thought “j-e-N-N-i-f-e-r? is that right? Are there really two N’s in Jennifer.” because all of a sudden it just looked misspelled…

    I think I may be losing it!

  6. BeanCounter Says:

    Just put a bunch of signs in your yard. “Hyphenates for Callahan”

  7. Billy Dennis Says:

    That should be “Hyphenated Americans for Callahan.”

  8. Mistress of the Post Says:

    Maybe the President Bush event is at her house…

  9. postsimian Says:


    Figures. Just like a Con to do something like that.

    Here’s what you do: forget the salt. Buy a truckload of manure and write this:


  10. Jaded Says:

    Um…better yet, tell her that Taylor would be happy to help her NEXT week…but this week is bad considering he has SO much going on….
    Sorry…but you know kids (smile, pat on the shoulder)

    What a Beotch…plain and simple.

    And I’m not just talking about Aaron Schock either…

    I coached forensics (speech team) at a district 150 high school for 12 years, and Mr. Shlock (as I have penned him) was of course a member of the team at a rival school. I’m sure that debate team would have better suited the self important little weenie that he is, but district 150 doesn’t have funds for debate…so he of course sticks with Extemporaneous Speaking as his forte. Anyway…getting to my point…he wasn’t that talented then, and it shows now. He was always the snide, lip curling, phony that he is today…even in high school. The first time I got the opportunity to judge him he was a Junior, and I gave him LAST place in the round. He didn’t make the cut to finals…
    And not just because he was a cell phone carrying, brooks brothers suit wearing pompous little snit…because he wasn’t impressive as a public speaker at all. STILL ISNT.

    Not to mention his political leanings and aspirations…

    He pretty much qualifies as the same snitty little nerd he was in high school…only now with more brown on his nose and maybe a little more money.

    Tell your neighbor shes a retard and he’ll get around to it when he can.

    I know, I know…don’t sugar coat it, Jaded…tell us how you REALLY feel.


    I gotta be me.

    Hugs always…


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