Unintended consequences

A mystery is solved and it’s drawn me out of yesterday’s malaise.

For several days I’ve been driving my friends crazy with this question: “Why did she honk at me?” Obsessing endlessly over an asinine, inconsequential occurrence.

You see, there is a mom, “Carrie,” that hates me. And trust me, she’s loony. A recent example, she told her daughter, Venus, that she “can’t invite any of those 7th grade bitches” to her birthday party. Ummm, the “7th grade bitches” in question just happen to be Venus’s best friends.

The other day Carrie and I were facing each at an intersection. We made unexpressionless eye contact, and, as our cars crossed each other in the intersection, she honked. Not a “HOOONNNKKKK!!!!!!” but a mere “Honk.” Longer than an accidental one but shorter than a malicious one. In essence, it seemed rather neutral.

Which has been driving me crazy. What was the meaning behind the honk? Was it a conciliatory gesture? Was it meant to be threatening? Was it an accident?

I’ve been consumed with figuring it out.

It’s a sad facet of my personality, my need to be liked, and, while I think she’s batshit crazy, I must admit, in my heart, I wish that she liked me and hate it that she hates me. Thus, I’ve been pondering the honk for clues to her current opinion of my character, playing amateur Columbo psychologist. (I know, I know, it’s a bit ironic that I just called someone else “batshit crazy”)

But, back to the good news. The mystery of the ambiguous honk has been solved. This morning my husband went in to the gas station and Carrie was there.

She flipped him off.

In Casey’s.

I am now quite certain the “honk” was a attention getting method, followed by a poorly timed bird.

Who’da thunk that a rude gesture would be a mood lifter?


13 Responses to “Unintended consequences”

  1. reno Says:

    I’d take it as a compliment. It’s good when bad people don’t like you. If Hitler hates me, that only reflects positively on me, right? I’d look at it that way.

    But if you were feeling vindictive at all, you could always smear poop on her windshield. Wait for a hot summer day to do it.

  2. jenjw4 Says:

    I was thinking raw fish in the vents….

  3. mortonmalaise Says:

    Or you could put bologna on the paint. I hear when it dries, it sticks to the paint and peels it off when the bologna is removed. This may or may not be true. Or you could superglue thumbtacks to her windshield wipers. Then there’s always the classic egging. Eggs do a helluva job ruining paint, too. So I hear.

  4. jenjw4 Says:

    Hmmm… maybe, though, escalating the hatred of a crazy person isn’t the best idea? This might fall into the “leave well enough alone” catagory.

  5. mortonmalaise Says:

    10 years ago, I would’ve said “Get that bitch,” but I’m older and wiser now. Now I say, “Hire someone to get that bitch.”

  6. Grandma's Attic Says:

    I used to be as vindictive as they came, but it could get expensive for you. It could also turn criminal rather quickly. So, if you think it through you will quickly realize that doing any of the things suggested above would only make you look bad as well as pay the consequences for that crazy ass biyotch. Take Reno’s advice and look at is as a positive. You can’t have every crazy hooker like you, so just take the friends you have and call it quits on worrying about her. Besides, that will drive her even battier. (Is that really a word?)

  7. Today’s 6 links (UPDATED) : Peoria Pundit Says:

    […] Jen is touched by a gesture. […]

  8. Ramble On Says:

    Another from the book of trite old sayings: “Love your enemies, it will drive them nuts.” or “Smile, it makes people wonder what you are up to.”

  9. mortonmalaise Says:

    OK, I was totally kidding. Maybe I need to remember the “/sarcasm” at the end in the future.

  10. jenjw4 Says:

    No, I get it… I knew you weren’t seriously suggesting I vandalize someone’s vehicle… it’s one of those things that’s nice to imagine doing, but, at least at my age, one wouldn’t actually do…

  11. mortonmalaise Says:

    I knew you understood. Others seemed to think I was serious.

  12. chef Kevin Says:

    Send her flowers with a note attached reading “I understand you had an explicit encounter with my husband in Casey’s parking lot. I heard that “you amazed him” with your perverse sense of expression. What, exactly, did you do? He’s been “revved up” for days and all I can say is “Thank you”.

  13. Keep Passing the Open Windows Says:

    […] My friend Tom recommended that I add a humorous tale from my real life to make my essay more interesting and real.   Good suggestion.  However, I’m struggling to come up with an anecdote that doesn’t involve poop, vomit or getting flipped the bird.  […]

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