Life around Chez Wood has been a barrel of laughs lately, thanks to a certain twelve year old demon (oopps, I mean girl child). Saturday Reagan and I watched my lovely three year old niece Ashley. Exiting the most expensive ice cream place on Earth, Reagan announces “If you love Ashley so much, why don’t you just adopt her. You like her better than you like me anyway.” WTF?

We were walking towards the car when this little exchange took place; Reagan decides, no, she won’t get in the car, but would rather walk off in a huff towards the pretentiously named, freeze-your-ass-off-in-winter mall. I put Ashley in her car seat, did a U-ey, and drove up next to my aggrieved daughter. She was calling her dad, to tell him that her mother just drove off and left her at the mall, all by herself, for no reason. Yes, because that’s something I would totally do….

The next night we were chatting amiably, and she announces “I wrote Ashley out of my will today.”

I am sure Ashley will be devastated at the loss of her inheritance…. puppy posters, Bowling for Soup CD’s, lip gloss and tank tops.

Last night the disinheritor had a fit because I needed to use “her” cell phone. She was rude, disrespectful, disobedient, and ended up grounded.

Checking my email this morning, she sent me this missive:

“mom, this grounding is so unfair. i didn’t do anything. i mean, what happened to freedom of speech? plz talk 2 me,

Yes, Reagan, “freedom of speech” definitely applies to insolent 12 year old girls talking back to their mothers. That’s exactly what the framers of the Constitution had in mind….

Edited to add: Today I get an email from my friend, Laura, the one I was chatting with on “Reagan’s” cell phone. Apparently, when I got off the phone Reagan text messaged her the following message:

“Thank u Laura. now my whole life is ruined because of u. Reagan ps dont tell my mother about this OR I WILL DIE. siht daer u naC”

Laura emailed me to ask about the text message:

“1. What in the heck did I do? Dare to call you on the phone?
2. How will you kill her?”

Luckily I have good friends who understand the dramatic nature of my child and don’t hold it against me. I responded to Laura:

OMG, IASS (I am so sorry), MCISAPITA (Can you figure
that one out? My child is such a pain in the ass).
You ruined her life by calling me on her phone, thus
MAKING her be belligerent and not getting to go roller
skating this Friday night at the make-out-aporium…
So sorry, again, for my horrifically awful child.
She will be dealt with severly, or should that be


4 Responses to “”

  1. Ms. PH Says:

    You better not tell her the First Amendment also contains the right to free exercise of religion, freedom of the press, freedom of assembly, and the right to petition the government for redress of grievances. I can see her milking those for everything!

  2. idonotknowme Says:

    We may also point out that children (i.e. those younger than 18) are NOT entitled to the same full exercise of Constitutional rights that adults are.

  3. Anon E. Mouse Says:

    Nice. I’m not the only one with a 12 yr old girl like that.

    One small bit of advice – it is oh so easy for cell phone service to be stopped.

  4. jadedgirl Says:

    Ughhh…I am SO not looking forward to my son becoming a teenager (or pre-teen, if you will) My 6 year old is already priming himself for the disrespectful tones and flagrant agression as we speak. Although, it IS a comfort to me now that I did have a boy. I wanted a girl So bad when I was PG, and now that I see my friends with girls…ahem No offfense…but THANK GOD! :o)

    Great post…I laughed AND cried for you. ;o)


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