Archive for January, 2007


January 31, 2007

At the local grocery store, gazing at a piece of fruit.  The sign says “orangello $.29.”  Orangello?  I begin to question my upbringing…. were we the weird kind of family that said “please, have a seat on the davenport”?  Or “Let’s take a ride in my automobile.”?  Or maybe tangello was a pet name, like some families call spaghetti “pasghetti.’  I ask the cashier who responded “orangelllos”  in a “you’re a moron, but I’ll try to hide my derision and take pity on your ignorance” kind of voice. “No, they are tangellos” I insisted. The teenager, barely supressing a flagrant eye-roll , replies:  “they aren’t tan.”



Braces + tooth extractions

January 30, 2007

The orthodontist’s office called yesterday.  Reagan will need to have four teeth extracted after she gets the brackets on for her braces. 

My daughter is not fond of going to the dentist. Furthermore, when the orthodontist mentioned possible extractions at our last visit Reagan was really upset by the idea.  Unfortunately our choices are limited.  She can not have them pulled, not have braces and have a huge overbite and misaligned teeth (forever) or have the teeth pulled and braces. 

I think the braces are a must, thus the extractions will be happening.  So now comes the big question:

When do we tell Reagan? 

I usually err on the side of honesty but think that maybe we should wait and tell her shortly before the appointment.  Maybe a day or so beforehand. Otherwise I think she will get completely stressed out and be very upset for the whole month.  Nevertheless, if she asks I think I will feel compelled to tell the truth. 

It’s so difficult and I really feel for her.  I am majorly stressing about this; way more worried about her being upset, than about the procedure. 

I am going to call the oral surgeon beforehand and discuss her serious anxiety.  Hopefully they can just put her out, even though general anesthesia is more risky than local.


I told him I made it up….

January 30, 2007

At what age is it appropriate to teach your child the term “assclown?”

I have decided the age 13 is appropriate.  Smart enough not to use it at school, well, God, I hope so…. Young enough to find it hysterical. But in an act of assclownery he shared it with his friend Jake who decided a better term – assjester. 

Overheard… “the Ghetto”

January 29, 2007

BH:  What’s a ghetto?

Taylor:  It’s an area in a city where poor people live.”

BH: “But doesn’t it have something to do with ‘The Blacks?'”

Taylor:  “No”

BH:  “Are you sure?  Because I thought it had something to do with ‘The Blacks?'” 

Taylor: “You are so dumb”

Should I be glad that my child knows what a ghetto is?  I am at least grateful that he doesn’t equate it with race, unlike his friend. I wonder if BH had an African American friend if he would still be using the term “The Blacks?” 


Taylor’s voice

January 29, 2007

Taylor was 13 in November.  All of a sudden he is tall… 5’4″ or maybe even 5’5″ (he’s catching up with me) and now his voice is changing!  I can’t believe it.  Some moments it’s the same as ever and then he’ll speak and I’ll think “is that Tay?  Or is he being voiced by a narrarator, maybe James Earl Jones?”  His voice never seems to crack, it just sounds normal one minute and deep and manly the next. I feel like I should walk around with a recorder and try to capture his little boy voice before it is gone forever.


No backing out now….

January 29, 2007

Friday Reagan calls me “Mommy, will you take Blake, Taylor and I to see Epic Movie?”  Me: No, ask your dad. She didn’t want to ask him. I arrive home and tell Chris about this question and he says “wow, she should have asked me; I would have taken them to the movies..”  Luckily Reagan was in the room to hear him say this…  there was no way out without looking like a huge jerk! 

Thus I got to spend my Friday night at home, alone.  Baked a cake.  Did some laundry.  Watched Monk.

BTW, they actually ended up going to see “Night at the Museum” in Elmwood.  I took them to see “Epic Movie” on Saturday night with MarySue.  It wasn’t epic.  Barely qualified as a movie.


Who knew?

January 26, 2007

At the age of 18 I would never have dreamt….

that I would love baking

that I would love, love, love having kids

that I would decide to pay the bills first and to shop later (and that the shopping would be for my kids rather than for myself)

that my butt would be this big!

that I would live in a little house in a little town

A bit of malaise

January 26, 2007


I sit; I type; I file.


I entreat; I cajole; I threaten.

I wash dishes; I wash clothes; I wash floors.

With friends:

I eat; I talk; I shop.

But to be independently wealthy…. 

I am mean.

January 23, 2007

Jennifer: Take out the dog.

Reagan: No.  I’m tired.

Jennifer: Take out the dog.

Reagan: I’m getting ready for bed…. (incessant whining)

Jennifer: At 5 I am letting the dog out and not letting him back in.  1, 2, 3, 4, 5. (lets dog out, into unfenced yard)  Okay, the dog is out; living with nature, as a wild animal should.  He’ll survive on berries and mushrooms and live in the wilderness…. (further immature rambling)

Reagan: I hate you!  I hate you!  (cries hysterically)

God, What the hell is wrong with me?



L & O

January 22, 2007

I love Law and Order and have been watching it for years.  In fact, when my daughter was in preschool and they did a “facts about your family” kind of paper she responded to “My mommy likes ________”  with “to watch Law and Order.”  It was a little embarrassing.

My son Taylor is now a Law and Order convert, too. Which I use as a learning tool to dispense motherly advice like:

Tay, don’t ever kill your wife and bury her in the back yard.  It’s the first place the police will look.

Tay, if you get arrested, Say Nothing!  Ask for a lawyer!  But don’t talk, no matter how they try to wriggle their way into your mind to provoke a response (like Goren and Eams).

Tay, if you hit a pedestrian, even in a bad neighborhood, stop and help.

Tay, don’t kidnap a kid and then use a homeless guy as a mule for the ransom, I mean they are totally undependable.

Tay’s response to my sound advice is an eyeroll, a sigh, and an “okay, mom.”